Just the prospect of having to spend time with that family member over the holidays fills some of you with dread—so much so that you’re considering “having other plans” in order to not attend your family gathering this Christmas.
But it doesn’t have to be that way, even with under-the-surface conflict that may be many years old.
In Chapter 10 of The Stories We Tell Ourselves, I wrote, “When we live within the reality that conflict is likely to occur at some point in time in any of our relationships, we better prepare ourselves to handle that conflict in a meaningful, constructive, mature, and more adult way.”
Learning how to handle family conflict “in a meaningful, constructive, mature, and more adult way” is hard, but the end result is worth the effort.
If you’re wanting to make amends—or at least make a step in the right direction toward making amends one day—I recommend scheduling a time to meet with that family member, preferably face-to-face. Be upfront about why you want to meet. Then follow the Auxano Communication Approach©:
1. Talk about the issue between the two of you.
2. Invite your family member to hear the story you’ve been telling yourself about them and the situation at hand.
3. Share the feelings you’ve had about your family member as a result of the stories you’ve been telling yourself about them.
(I go into detail about these steps in Chapter 13 of my book.)
To follow these three steps requires a high degree of honesty, vulnerability, and an indifference to the immediate outcome. They may not reply in kind. They may even become angrier.
But they may also begin to open up to you, paving the way for reconciliation.
And wouldn’t that be an incredible Christmas gift for your family?
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