Not everyone wrestles with problems in their present because of what their parents did (or didn’t do) in their past—but many of us do. And that’s not something to feel ashamed about or discouraged by. Carrying wounds from our respective childhoods is part of the human experience.
But whether we choose to allow those wounds to impact our adult relationships—or impact own children—is something you can choose to change.
When I’m speaking with clients who I think may have been heavily influenced by family-of-origin struggles, I ask a very specific yet open-ended question. This is the one question that reveals so much, and I’m willing to bet it may cause you to pause after reading it:
What was it like to live with them?
Asking this question often offers me an intimate glimpse into a client’s early life.
Were they shown love early on, or were they shown hate?
Were they encouraged to pursue their own dreams, or were they forced to follow in the family’s footsteps?
Did your father treat your mother well and vice-versa, or did they always argue?
This simple question provides quick, insightful clues into the stories my clients tell themselves today because of what happened to them in the past.
While the question is imminently helpful to the client in discovering the connection between his or her upbringing and current hangups, it’s also instrumental if considered from another perspective.
How would you want your children to answer that question about you when they’re adults?
What was it like to live with them?
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