How to Fight Conflict.

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship.

But what sets the great relationships apart from even the good relationships is the couple’s ability to handle conflict in a healthy manner.

Essentially, this means that each couple understands that they’ve likely been telling themselves a made-up story about the other person that doesn’t reflect the reality of their situation. So, in order to discover that reality, they engage in open, vulnerable, honest communication with each other about the problem they’re currently facing.

But that kind of communication demands that each spouse understand their own particular roles in the conflict.

In Chapter 9 of The Stories We Tell Ourselves, I list a number of questions for readers to consider in light of their last major conflict with a loved one, such as:

– What did you think about the other person before the argument? During the argument? After?

– Can you think of a particular story you may have made up about the other person prior to the argument that might have influenced the conflict?

– Did you exercise curiosity and restrain your judgment in order to really hear the person across from you? Or were you only waiting for them to say what you had already scripted for them?

– Did your words or actions try to influence them to a particular outcome (favorable to you)?

– In essence, how did the story you had been telling yourself about the other person collide with the reality of your situation?

– Knowing what you know now, how would you have handled the argument differently?

The next time you and your spouse engage in conflict, take a moment by yourself, after you’ve calmed down, to go through these questions. They’ll help you fight the conflict within so that you can better engage your spouse without falling into a never-ending conflict cycle.