When someone refuses to digest the pain of their past, they’ll inevitably come to an emotional fork in the road. One way leads to “acting in,” the other to “acting out.”
Neither option is ultimately healthy.
Characteristics of “acting in” include:
- Depression
- Withdrawal
- Apathy
- Laziness
Above all, “acting in” results in allowing the negative voices within your mind to run rampant in being the sole arbiter of truth about yourself and your world. “Acting in” diminishes your world to a population of one. Recall John Donne’s famous line, “No man is an island.”
Living inwardly allows the pain to take deep root within.
But allowing that pain to explode outward can be just as deadly.
Characteristics of “acting out” include:
- Addictions
- Defensiveness
- Selfishness
- Arrogance
Above all, “acting out” attempts to numb the pain by external means, like drinking, drugs, or sex, or taking an immediate defensive position in every relationship. “Acting out” tries to assert control over every situation so that the person doesn’t even have a remote possibility of experiencing the same kind of pain as they did before.
But such acting out will ultimately hurt the person, or the people they love, even more.
“Acting in” and “acting out” are two sides of the same coin. They’re just different terms for our “fight or flight” response when it comes to being hurt.
So if we shouldn’t fight or fly from pain, what can we do?
We must learn to digest the pain.
For more on this topic, read Chapter 8, “The Pain of the Past,” in The Stories We Tell Ourselves, now available as an audiobook.
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