We all build protective walls around ourselves, but some of us are much better wall-builders than others.
Some erect walls so thick that no one can get in—or out. But this kind of defensiveness leads to loneliness, and loneliness ultimately kills the soul. (Watch the film Murder in the First for a solid illustration of that fact.)
But how can you tell if you’re a master wall-builder? Or how can you know if someone close to you is? Consider these questions:
- Do you speak in generalities?
Vague answers to specific questions create a barrier to true connection.
- Do you use defensive body language?
Animated movement accompanied by increased volume often reveals a combative attitude.
- Do you deflect personal questions?
Parroting a question back to an interested party can be a sign of fear.
(“How are you doing today?” “How are you doing today?”)
- Do you make jokes on serious occasions?
Sarcasm or lighthearted joking both reveal an inability to deal with significant matters.
- Do you withdraw from difficult relationships or circumstances?
Silence, absence and withdrawal can actually say a lot.
Getting honest about your defensiveness and breaking down your self-constructed walls is a key first step toward establishing healthier relationships.
This week, look for ways you may be erecting walls in your relationships, then try to break them down through doing the opposite of what those five questions suggest: speak in specifics, be aware of your body language, don’t deflect, don’t joke in inappropriate situations and engage when all you want to do is withdraw.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
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