In “The Art of Being Present,” Chapter 13 of The Stories We Tell Ourselves, I dedicate an early portion of that chapter to discussing the overlooked importance of eye contact. I asked, “When’s the last time you made prolonged, steady, and comfortable eye contact with a loved one?”
Pause for a moment and think about the last time you did that.
Now, did you really look that person in the eye? Or were you just looking right below their eyes? Or at the center of their forehead? Or just beyond the top of their head? Or were you looking at your phone while carrying on a conversation with someone in real life?
I’m not one to judge, as I’m guilty of all of those instances. My point is that most of us think we’re looking people in the eye when we’re really looking near their eyes (if we’re trying to make eye contact at all). There’s something deeply personal about such eye contact, which is why I think we often refrain from being so bold.
You may also notice that you offer different kinds of eye contact depending on the context of the relationship. In other words, it’s often easier to have real eye contact with a spouse than with a boss.
But what if you tried to establish real eye contact within all of your relationships?
Try it for a week and see what happens. It may be awkward at first. If someone asks why you’re staring so intently at them, be honest. Say, “I’m working on being more present in my relationships, and I’ve noticed that I don’t often make good eye contact.” That will likely catch them off guard and help to create more openness within the relationship.
Prolonged, steady, comfortable eye contact is a gateway to better presence in all of your relationships.
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