When I was 10 years old, my mom took my 8-year-old sister and I to run some errands. I was in the front seat of our Ford F150 extended cab truck beside my mom while my sister sat in the small back seat. We stopped at a house on the outskirts of town, and my mom parked the truck but left the engine running as she quickly ran in. All of a sudden I felt the truck rolling forward—headed directly toward a deep, water-filled ditch alongside the property! At first I froze, but then panic overtook me and I opened the door of the truck and jumped. When I hit the ground I looked up to see the truck steadily rolling toward the ditch—with my sister still in the back seat! I quickly ran toward the house to get my mom, but by the time she came out I saw that the truck had stopped. Mom and I hurried over to the truck and saw my young sister sitting on the floor of the driver’s side, her hands pressed on the brake pedal! Her quick thinking saved the truck—and her life.
Not one of my proudest moments! Looking back, I realize that I was driven totally by emotion, with no plan to save either my sister or the truck, while my sister calmly thought through the situation, made a plan in the middle of chaos and saved herself and the truck.
Every day in my work with clients, I meet individuals who are skilled cognitive thinkers, able to make rational decisions in chaotic and pressure-filled situations. Other individuals I meet are proficient in articulating their emotions with ease and clarity. The trouble is, rarely is one person skilled in both.
Relationships require both rational and emotional skills. In fact, in any long-term relationship— marriage, business partnership, close friendship—the relationship itself will ask you to access both parts of yourself—sometimes the thinking part and, at other times, the feeling part. Achieving a marriage with a high degree of intimacy, compassion and friendship requires that you think through situations rationally and communicate your emotions clearly.
This is why one of the main tenets of the Auxano Approach® is Heart and Mind®, which challenges us to grow, get skilled and balance those two opposing forces.
Which skill is your strength? Do you find it easy to communicate your thoughts and “solve” problems in life and marriage? Or is it easier for you to feel compassion, show empathy and share your feelings? There are many facets to this, but here are a couple of things to consider this week:
Thinkers: If you’re skilled at thinking through and solving problems, the next time you’re talking with your spouse, simply ask yourself, “I wonder what this is like for my spouse? I wonder which emotion (anger, sadness, happiness, fear) my spouse is experiencing?” This simple step can help you begin the process of becoming a better communicator of emotions.
Feelers: If you find it easy to notice and express your feelings, the next time you’re in conflict with your spouse, friend, or business partner, take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the center of the page. On one side write down you’re raw emotions and on the other side write down a specific plan to solve the problem without the emotion. This is one step you can take to strengthening the “thinking” part of you.
R. Scott Gornto
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