For three months in 2010, Serbian-born performance artist Marina Abramovic sat in a chair in a gallery at New York’s Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) and directed her full, silent attention toward one individual seated across from her. The artist sat seven hours a day, six days a week, without eating or drinking, for a total of 700 hours, and one by one, nearly 1,400 museum visitors took a turn sitting in the chair to silently return her gaze. The crowds at MoMA were enormous.
There were no stories to tell, no objects to hide behind, no words to use to deflect from self— just the participant and the artist sitting across from one another, looking into each other’s eyes. Some visitors sat across from her for 60 seconds while others chose to be present for several hours. No words were spoken. The result was countless meaningful connections between the artist and certain participants, leading to emotional responses such as laughter and tears.
The need for connection is one of the greatest needs we have as human beings. ‘Making a meaningful connection’ or ‘being present’ with the other person means that you sincerely ‘show up’ emotionally and mentally, and turn all your thoughts and feelings to the present moment. Often we make the mistake of thinking that deep meaningful conversations about fears, dreams and our innermost thoughts are the primary way to connect in marriage. I contend that growing your ability to really look into the eyes of your partner and sincerely ‘show up’ is just as essential.
When we really look our partner in the eyes it is common for us to have an internal experience—an emotional and physiological response that takes place inside of us. It is not simply the looking into each other’s eyes that brings about a meaningful connection; it is being aware of your physical and emotional responses such as peace, anxiety, sadness, an increase in heart rate, etc. These responses can teach us–if we are willing to notice and listen–about what we are feeling inside and how we feel toward the other. This is part of the reason that we don’t practice ‘exchanging emotional energy’ by looking eye to eye with our partners on a regular basis: It demands we take an honest look at ourselves and the feelings (positive and negative) we have toward the other person.
If you would like to consider practicing being present as well as the exchanging of emotional energy consider a few tips:
First, let’s review two tips I mentioned last time:
| Focus on being in the present with the person in front of you.
Your mind may go other places; simply notice it drifting and refocus yourself again.
| Make eye contact
Here are a couple additional tips:
| Notice your internal experience (your physical and emotional responses) when you sit ‘being present’ with the other.
| Simply make a mental note of those subtle internal responses. Feel free to share these experiences with your partner.
Remember that you can practice this exercise with your partner in two ways: while simply looking at one other or while one is listening to the other.
To learn more about how to master the skill of being present with another and exchanging emotional energy, please visit my new website landing page (coming fall 2013) emotionallypresent.com.
– Scott
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